Voicing doubts
Acts 1:1-11; Ps 47:2-3, 6-7, 8-9; Eph 1:17-23; Mt 28:16-20
Doubt. For some, it is a sign of weakness. For others, fear. Still others view doubt as the marker of past failures that forever diminish the possibilities for future success.
More positively, doubt can represent a healthy skepticism, keeping one from making costly mistakes or rash judgments.
Doubt is one of the most valuable discernment tools in the Christian spiritual life. This is because the existence of doubt presupposes the possibility for trust, and trust constitutes the foundation for any relationship with God.
If we want to assess the status of that relationship, both doubt and trust can serve as effective measures of our hearts: How much do we trust God these days? Where do we feel any doubt in God’s presence or intention? and so forth.
While it’s certainly nicer to contemplate our trust in God rather than any doubts we might feel, we often notice doubt more acutely than trust. Doubt is often accompanied by the sting of shame, anger, fear or resentment, and those types of feelings readily stand out to us.
Given that the critical first step in the process of discernment is to notice and be aware of what is in your mind and heart, recognizing and naming any doubts is crucial.
It’s fascinating to notice how often doubt surfaces surrounding the life, death and resurrection of Jesus in the Gospels. Mary and Joseph must wrestle with their own uncertainty regarding Jesus’ conception (Lk 1:34; Mt 1:19). Peter doubts that the messiah would actually be rejected and killed (Mk 8:32). The disciples on the road to Emmaus doubt the reports that Jesus had risen from the dead (Lk 24:21).
The “master doubter” is, of course, Thomas. We remember his skepticism surrounding the resurrection (Jn 20:25), but he also voiced his doubts to Jesus well before the crucifixion. When Jesus told his disciples that he would be leaving, Thomas boldly said: “We do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” (Jn 14:5).
If I had to choose an apostle for my spiritual director, I would choose Thomas. Not because of his doubting, but because of his willingness to voice those doubts out loud and directly to the face of the one he is questioning, be they other disciples or Jesus himself.
In today’s Gospel, Matthew tells us that, before the Ascension, the eleven “worshipped” Jesus, but they also “doubted” (Mt 28:17). The worship is out loud, but the doubts are interior.
What did they doubt? Did they worry that Jesus might not return? Were they doubtful that Jesus would ever reign as their victorious king? Did they perhaps even doubt their own fidelity to a mission that had seemingly not produced much fruit, as Jesus was preparing to depart?
At that critical moment, the disciples did not voice their doubts, fears or worries to Jesus. We know, of course, that they ultimately listened to him and “made disciples of all nations” (Mt 28:19). But to the degree that they held back from speaking their doubts, their hearts were less than fully open to receiving the love and encouragement Jesus had for them.
That is always the price we pay when we fail to voice our doubts to God in prayer. Think about your human relationships. If there is a doubt in your heart about the other person’s intentions or abilities that you do not address with them directly, you will never be fully receptive to what they might have to communicate to you.
Naming a doubt can seem terrifying. You never know how it will be received and it can render both persons in the dialogue extremely vulnerable. But once it is done, it often opens up the relationship to a new degree of honesty and maturity, deepening the connection.
If that is true on the interpersonal level, how much more so when we open up to God in prayer. Prudence sometimes dictates that we hold back from expressing our doubts to others, but we should never censor our prayer to God.
It’s beautiful that the disciples rang out their praise before the Ascension, but they should also have voiced their doubts. And so should we.